From "The Alchemy of Love and Lust: How
Our Sex Hormones Influence Our Relationships"
by Theresa L. Crenshaw, M.D., Pocket Books, Simon & Schuster,
1996
INTRODUCTION
.... It's appalling, but a seemingly trivial lack of information about hormones can destroy a marriage:
For the first two years of Janet and Richard Miller's marriage, the young couple enjoyed passionate sex. In fact sex got even letter with time -- the opposite of what Richard had been led to believe based on the woeful tales of his not-so-happily married buddies. Then Janet got pregnant. They were both overjoyed, but Janet had a hard time of it physically, usually feeling too green to think about sex, much less shake the bed with any enthusiasm whatsoever. Throughout her pregnancy, Richard was sympathetic and patient, knowing that her condition was only temporary. But after their child was born, things did not improve. They actually got worse. Janet had absolutely no interest in sex. Instead, she went to considerable lengths to avoid it.
At first Richard attributed the problem to the fatigue and anxiety of new motherhood. He assumed it would pass. It didn't. The situation upset Janet, too. She loved her husband and, until she got pregnant, adored being close to him. Richard was just going to have to be patient until she got back to her old self. She wished he would be more understanding, rather than trying to force the issue. At the same time, Janet threw herself completely into motherhood, not reading how neglected Richard was feeling.
By the time three months had gone by, Richard was so jealous of the baby that he couldn't even bear to watch his wife nurse. He wanted to be at her breast instead, and blamed the destruction of their sex life on the child. He became increasingly alienated, critical, and withdrawn. Janet resented his attitude, accusing him of being insensitive to her feelings. She was also anxious about his attitude toward the baby. She thought it was foolish and immature for a grown man to be jealous of his own child -- infantile, actually. In what seemed like no time, the tension grew into open hostility punctuated by loud arguments. By that point sex was no longer the issue; they were talking divorce.
As a last resort, they went to a marriage counselor. The therapist advised them
that childbirth had brought to the surface previously repressed relationship conflicts. With all good intentions, she explored Richard's jealousy toward the baby and Janet's reservations about sex. The counseling helped to restore better communication, but did nothing for Janet's libido. At this point, the counselor referred them to me.
It took less than five minutes to diagnose the problem. Nothing deep and pernicious was at play. No involved psychotherapy was in order. The cause of all this turmoil was strictly biological. Nursing!
A nursing mother produces unusually high levels of prolactin, the chief chemical in charge of milk production. Secreted by the pituitary gland, prolactin stimulates the growth of mammary tissue and triggers the production of milk. When a baby suckles, the hormone surges to approximately ten times its normal value. After breast-feeding, prolactin gradually decreases, returning to its original level over the next two to three hours. Women who suckle their infants on a regular basis have altered prolactin levels -- and severely reduced sex drive.
Presumably, nature thought it wise for new mothers to wait until they finish nursing one child before conceiving another. What better way to guard against pregnancy than to reduce a new mother's desire for sex, and in case that wasn't enough, suppress ovulation as well? in fact, some women trust nursing as a form of contraception. it isn't foolproof, probably not much better than the rhythm method, but it does reduce the odds against getting pregnant. But these women who appreciate prolactin's contraceptive protection don't realize that it also dampens their desire. Libido and prolactin are dose related: the more frequently a mother nurses, the more prolactin she produces, and the less interest she has in sex.
The same prolactin that reduces sex drive in nursing mothers reduces desire in men with prolactin-producing pituitary tumors. These men may lose their libido completely, along with their erections, until their prolactin levels are brought back to normal.
Janet's obstetrician had not explained this relationship between nursing and sex drive, and her psychotherapist was not even aware such a connection existed. Imagine all the heartache and misery that could have been avoided had the Millers only been informed of what was really going on.
Fortunately, they got treatment in time. After reviewing their history, I ordered blood studies to demonstrate exactly how Janet's prolactin levels were affected by nursing. Once they realized that the adverse sexual effect was inevitable, predictable, and temporary, their relationship began to mend. Their feelings of guilt, anger, and inadequacy, their mutual accusations -- all these toxins dissolved in light of this new understanding. Instead of seeing themselves as a dysfunctional couple besieged by dark subconscious forces, they were once again on the same side, a team dealing with a manageable biological/medical challenge.
My next piece of good news for the Millers was that halting nursing wasn't necessary to solve the problem. While prolactin does decrease desire, it does not decrease enjoyment of sex. I told Janet that although her libido had been chemically neutralized, she could still enjoy sex with her husband if she was willing to play by new rules until her chemistry was back in balance. If she just got started, she would have fun. I was not advising her merely to accommodate Richard's needs; she had already tried that out of guilt and obligation, which just caused more resentment. on the contrary, she needed to adapt her attitude to the situation. Knowing that she could not count on her lust to inspire her, Janet needed to have sex for different reasons for a while: she loved to be held and touched still. She also loved her husband and the physical intimacy. Instead of waiting for the mood to strike her, she could choose to have sex periodically just to be close. if she approached him with the right attitude, she would discover that she could enjoy making love just as much as ever, even though her lust was muted. Fortunately, prolactin doesn't seem to interfere with a nursing mother's orgasms.
Janet reached out to Richard with love and affection. He welcomed her back like a thirsty man. Their intimacy revived, the fighting stopped, and sex sizzled. Had they been deprived of this critical information much longer, their problems would no doubt have persisted even after Janet stopped nursing. So much emotional damage would have occurred that restoring normal hormone balance would not have been enough to end the cold war between them.
WHO'S THE BOSS?
The Millers' case is only one example of the formidable number of ways in which fluctuating hormones influence our relationships. Hormones are dictators; their job is to tell other substances, including each other, what to do and how to behave. Some of them can be bullies, wreaking havoc with our moods and behavior. But these molecular rascals can operate with abandon only to the extent that they are not recognized, respected, and understood.
A little strategic information, given at the right time, has the power to protect individuals and relationships from experiencing devastating problems. Sometimes, as in the case of prolactin and nursing, just knowing the facts about these hormones aborts an enormous problem, replete with misunderstandings. A little common sense and careful planning does the rest. in regard to other hormones, some with very complex profiles, we still need to learn to recognize their effects and develop techniques to modulate them. In some cases this can be as simple as changing our environment. in other cases, it might be necessary to take supplements or medication. Regardless of the situation, there are dozens of hormones and related substances that we would do well to become better acquainted with for our own protection-and, of course, enjoyment.
Like the Millers, scores of patients have come to
me confused and doubting themselves, only to learn that they were unknowingly in the grip
of some subversive hormonal tyranny. Empowered by this knowledge, they have learned how to
neutralize the damage and turn biochemistry to their advantage, instead.
[The rest of the book includes discussion of the male and female
specific hormones, their impacts, the life cycles and changes with aging, health tips, and
a vast quantity of insight and knowledge.]